Why...

Why should I relive that gruesome nightmare. The nightmare of the day I lost my best friend, my best friend was a boy named Thomas, we had been friends for about 13 years. He had moved to a bigger city than I and therefor it was hard to keep in touch, one day i visited him for his fathers birthday and they told me he had been smoking and i though oh well no problem, and that I should go see him, I went to his room saw him and turned around the minute I saw him. Hes room had a scent of tobacco mostly but also vomit and other nasty stuff, but that was not the problem the problem was what he was doing.
At this time his parents and my parents had left the house to eat dinner so we were alone.
He was sitting there in his room with a god damned syringe, I dont know what was in it but judging from his eyes and face it wasnt his medicine, it was drugs, I have never been hurt so badly in my entire life than when I saw that.

Sajro

Deserve this?

Do I really deserve what I am going through, do I really deserve to lose a part of myself every time someone says something to me. I am Pretty sure I do deserve it, because I am as I am, I am not a nice person most of the time I hurt people I am with and I sort of take everything they can give me, just to try keeping me from sinking, but doing so I am pushing them downwards.
Do I deserve to have friends like that, when I never have done something good for them? I am so confused about this, because I want to know the truth about what monster I am.

Protect your friends!
Sajro

Words!!!

Words is the single most powerful, that i a common thing that almost everyone has acces to. The words have th power to say alot, but they have aswell yhe power to say nothing. The words have the power to break every thing a person believes in, and make them believe in something else.
I have often heart this saying "sticks and stones can break my bones but awords can never hurt me", and every time I hear that one I really wants to yell at them, and I would wish I could show them how my mind is, so they could understand how false it is to say that. Words is the only thing I have been really hurt by, I was called things early in my life, and those things still hangs at me, and thay have been controlling me for some time now.
Words have more power on me, and that is why I hate when my friends say things that I get hurt by, I am pretty sure they doesnt do it to hurt me but with that person who did it I am not sure about it.

Choose your words carefully
Sajro

I hate myself!

I really hate myself, I cant sleep like a normal person because, I cant sleep without being in some sort of paim, each night I have to do something that puts me in pain because of this. I have for al long time been cutting myself to make this pain, and here the last night I was goning to sleep but I couldnt, I wouldnt cut my self but i needed the pain, so I bite myself I now have a wound on my arm because of my front teeth went through my skin!
This is one of the problems I have I really need that pain, and I do not want anyone to take that from me, I dont know how I should sleep at night without it so it is really important for me to have that pain.
Protect you soul and body- Even though I cant!
Sajro

Cant sleep!

I am laying in my bed right now and i cant fall asleep I really want to sleep, but I just cant! I do not know why I cant sleep, but one thing I do know is that it is making me think, and if there is one thing I hate it is when I start to think in this way. It is not like I am starting to think of some logical problems or anything, no it is that I am starting to think about how small I am, and that I aint worth more than a pile of dust under the carpet. I am really feeling like I aint worth anything, like every one hates me, and why shouldnt they hate me I have never done anything for them, but I have been taking there time to make them listen to my complaints. I am thinking about that knife on my table that beatifull knife allways laying there sharp and ready to cut, cut in me cut, making the blood flow and take all the problems with it when it starts dripping onto the floor, stain my bed with the drops. I want it so badly but at the sametime I dont because then my sister might find out how bad I am having it right now, and I just dont want to trouble her or anyone else with these problems I have. So if you are reading this and usually keeps pretending you care about me, just stop it I dont want anyone to pretend they care about me. I know how unworthy I am, to have friends. I know how I allways treat people bad, and how I always hurt people. I do not need you to pitty me and pretending to care so stop it, before I release those demons inside of me, those demons I ahve made. I know that everyone should hate me for being such a jerk.

Destroy your soul- just be a shell!
Sajro

I am sick!

Today I realized that I might not bee all right in the head. I have always been a little weird, and have had different hobbies and interests than other pwople at my own age. I have mostly allways been the boy in the corner sitting for himself without friends. I was the boy who didnt care about what clothes he wore because hell I am ugly anyways, which I by the way still thinks. I didnt care what people thought about me at that time, but I do now if those people are my friends, I really do care what the think about me. I was a loner, a social looser without friends.

For about three weeks ago I started on this Danish Forum, it is a roleplay forum, because I love Roleplaying and I needed something to do and a way to escape everything. I made this character there, his personality is a lot like myself, he is a bit afraid of people, he wont lose people he care about, and then there is the part where we is most like each other. Our way of seeing pain, we both like it and both are we a bit addicted to it, I cant sleep at night if i havent cut myself, tried to break a bone or other things that hurt. I really need these things otherwise I have problems trying to sleep. I was at this scouting center, Forlev, every night before i went to sleep i cut my arm, when noone was looking. I have that problem and I hate it, often when I cut myself I just do it to get that pain and satisfaction. I have also sometimes cut runes in my chest, because sometimes you just need something to give you strength somthing that can give you that last bit you need, that last will to live.

Protect your soul- It is way prettier that your body!
Sajro

Good Morning

As you might be able to tell from the title, this wasnt a good morning. I woke up bathed in sweat, because I once again had a nightmare. I was totallly ready to do that thing i do every time the nightmares and bad feelings get too much, so i did it. I cut myself. This makes me think of one of the things people often say when people telle that they cut them self, many just say it is to get attention and they are so right about that, because they need attention. They are human beings who as everybody else needs a friend to help them or at least someone who cares about them. I am not one of the persons who have it worst, I have friends who cares about me, but sometimes I wished i dint have them. You might think that he is sick in hes head or something, and that might be true, but friends are the people you allow to get close to your soul and when people get close it is a lot easier to get hurt because of them.

My nightmare this night was about me returning to my old school with everyone who went there for a reunion, I ofcourse went over to my friends and started talking to them but they ignored me. I stopped talking and just started listening to what they were saying, than they said to me that we should meet in the room we always used to hang out in and i said, that is was a good idea but i should get something first, and when i got bacj they were gone. I went to the room and they were not there but in the middle of the room on the table there was a piece of paper. On the top of this paper it said "agreement" and there was i tekst "I agree by putting my sign on this paper that I am no longer friends with (my name)" and the at the buttom of the paper they had all signed it.

I do know that they wouldnt do such a thing to me, but with some of all the other stuff I am going through right now it is stille pretty hard. My two best friends who had been dating for little over a year, broke up not long ago ofcourse that was a shock but no problem because they were still friends and then in this weekend something happened and they are not such good friends anymore, and me there I am trapped in the middle of it all because I cant choose and I do not want to choose between those two, they meen so much to me that if I choose I would feel bad about myself, especially after everything that they have done for me.

Then there is the last part, this i maybe the easiest part aswell. I know this girl and I am pretty damn sure she might read this blog, and that made me a bit afraid of actually writing this, but fuck it I am going to anyways. This girl is a really good friend og mine, but I have feelings for her and I am so afraid of ruining that friendship by trying to get a bit too close to her. I was at this reunion at my old school this weekend, and everybody got a little bit to drink and ofcourse I, unfortunately, started hitting on her. I hated myself for it, and i had to go outside away from her for a while and when I was outside I was thinking about this, later that night I was sitting with her and I once again tried hitting on her, but luckily she could turn me down in a good way: I was actually pretty glad for what she told me, because she likes me but just not in such a way, I dont know if it was just because she was drunk or if she ment it but atleast at the time I actually was really happy when she told me that there could not be anything between us because she saw me kinda like a brother.

Protect you soul- and stop hurting yourself.
Sajro .

Im sure of that!

Today I was sitting in class and I realized one thing, I dont know if it is important but I do think I need to get i out, that I havent felt anything for about 2 days straight now. My feeling and emotions are cold like a frozen dessert, just ice and snow in every direction. I would love to know what have done that to me but I really dont know why I have become like that. I really hate when I have it like this because it reminds me way too much about my time at Tarm school, the school where I was bullied so that I have become the person that I am, the person who only feels when it becomes to much for him, both physically and mentally. SOm people who have it easy with showing feeling might enwy me, but I enwy them just as much, because I do know what it is to be good at showing your feelings and emotions but I just cant do that anymore, the people who bullied me took i from me. All my emotions and feelings are locked up inside bubbles and sometimes these bubbled get to the point that they cant take it and they burst and I am over flooded with feelings.

Protect your soul- from the nothingness.
Sajro

All those nightmares.

The last few weeks the dreams I have had, have been one long dream they have been keeping on the same story. It is not always a serious nightmare sometimes it is just nothing really, but when it is a nightmare I usually wake up bathed i sweat and I'm not kidding. The dreams are about that I went to this foreign place probably not in this world, and I'm running around trying to make a life, but wherever I run these wolfes keep attacking me or my friends, and usually they kill them. When my friends die the only thing that happens is that these demons appear and takes over there body starting to tell me that everything is my fault, that I am the responsible for there death. I am so scared everytime I wake up that I cant sleep again, I am really scared and my sleeping habbit is so bad at the moment.

Protect your soul- Nightmares are a soul killer.
Sajro

Argh God damn me!

Yeah I am in a seriously baad mood today, I have been sitting in the class for about half an hour now and the only thoughts that have been in my head have been bad thoughts. The thoughts of suicide, murder, torture and massmurder, but it is not the thoughts that scares me, it is that the thoughts doesnt scare me. I am sitting in class right know when I'm writing this, and I cant stop seeing dead people when I look at my fellow students, I keep seeing them as bodies on their chairs, just sitting there with blood dripping down on the floor. This reminds me of a lot of nightmares I have had, because I have often had nightmares about it. I have once had this extremely scary nightmare, in it I was killing my old class the one that bullied me to thew point I am at right now, I walked into the room and saw all the dead people, I was scared because of it and then I looked down at myself and I was covered in blood, ther blood, and holding a knife.

Protect your soul- Nightmares is your own Phobias coming to life
Sajro

Yet a nother one!

This night it happened again I had a nightmare, this time it was one of the stories unfolding, and the story in this one was once again me as a murderer, but this time i murdered innocent people I dont know anything about, I killede the cold blooded, but my frinds tried to stop me and that was when it went all wrong, I killede the all but ripping their flesh of there bones with my hands and my mouth, it was horrible.

Protect your soul- if possibly, others too.
Sajro

Nightmares.

I just hate these nights when I have nightmares, they can be anything from a story unfolding, often me as a murderer and my friends as victims, to simple series of pictures, often featuring me or my friends bodies, or sometimes there are no pictures just memories flushing in to my mind. Nightmares are pushing me again, luckily I am afraid of pushing my friends away too afraid to use the knife.

Protect your soul- or die.
Sajro

Why!

Why is it that I can have a perfectly good day untill someone says that single word, it is not the same thing everytime, but just one single word, is enough to make my world crash down and destroy me, and makes the ghosts and demons from the past backstab me once again, pushing me closer to the knife that allways is laying right there at my bedside table, allways ready to be used when I wake up from a nightmare or just not feeling well!

Protect your soul- it is so delicate!
Sajro
 

Blood!

Blood the single thing keeping the body alive the thing that is sustaining us, and where do we get i from, I believe we get it from our friends and family, the people who cares about us, but sadly most people have som enemies who is draining you from blood.
Some is so damned they have more enemies than friends, and that makes it that they are slowly being emptied for blood, others, like me, have more friends than enemies but sadly I have that one enemie who is capable of draining almost all my blood and that enemy is me.
I'm just happy that I have so good friends who can help me through the toughest time, and sometimes I dont have to ask them, they just do it.

Protect your soul- and your blodd!
Sajro

Blood, bodies, screams and fear!

That is the only thing filling up my mind right know.

The blood that is pumping out of my body because, all the holes and wounds I have cut in myself.

The bodies, of my friends, i have left behind me, because I never helped them but the kept on helping me with everything they got, and it killed them, I killed them.

The screams raising from my throat when I'm trying to get there souls back to the bodies, but it doesnt help it is too late, nothing I can do except begging for mercy, but i dont deserve mercy after all I have done to them, or actually after all that I havent doen to them.
The blood once again, it have only one place to go to them trying to heal them with my blood, but why should the filthy blood, I have, be capable of healing even the smallest wound, because my blood is so filthy after all the bad things I have done, after all the good things I could have done but never did because I was scared.

The bodies is raising up again coming agaisnt me to haunt me, to push that last piece of sanity I have away to destroy my soul once and for all, but that is not what is happening they raise up, healed and ready, then they start turning there back agaisnt me and they are leaving, this is when I break my body apart to release my soul, make it leave me so I dont have that to think about, now I'm standing as an empty shell, once again alone and lost, lost in the darkness of my own sadness and selfhate.

The screams, they have stopped because I no longer have anything to scream about anymore, they are silenced because I no more have any idea why i should scream, I have been reduced to nothing but a shell, I'm no longer a human being, I'm a machine which can be programmed to do what ever you want it to do.

The fear, the only thing keeping me from the rope right now, the fear from hurting my friends, the fear that it wont get better, the fear that hell actually is real.

Protect your soul- or it will hurt you
Get rid of your soul- it will hurt you.
Sajro

Last week.

Hello, sorry for the long brake, if anyone actually reads this.

I have spend the last week at Forlev, and it was great, I was really afraid of the goodbye I had to say today, but it went very well, I had no problems with that, the only problems I had was that I did what I'm best at, hurting myself physically, luckily. All in all this have been a super week.

Protect your soul- But body aswell!
Sajro

Those tears!

Goddammit I was in a semi good mood, earlier because i was thinking of tommorow, but then out of nowhere I just got sad, extremely sad, but I have one major problem, I cant cry I just cant make those tears come out and take the pain with them, often these sad feelings just build up and pushes me closer and closer to the point where I have to escape from this world of senceless pain to my soul, I am a person who can withstand serious amount of physical pain, because I have been beaten when i was younger, about 13-14 years I believe I stood up to a couple of bullies who where bullieng another boy from a paralel class, but what came out of that he was bullied even more and I was beaten, and got my head smashed into a radiator, this was normal for me, that someone did something physically painfull to me, but that I could take, but when they started to go on and make it hit my feelings and emotions, it was too much at that time I was a boy who showed hes feeling when they got to me, but know i only show them if I am pushed to it. Goddammit I wish i could cry right now, because I dont want to go back the road of pain to escape, this goddamned world where the meanest often get away, I hate it so much.

I am that person who seems so happy to the people araound me who doesnt know me, but when you get to know me I slowly opens up, never fully, and lets you take a peek at the real me, a persone who is waging war against the demons from the past, the person who cant win that war alone, that person who really needs hes friends, that person who will lose that war without them and if I do I will never be the same again, I will be a person who at some points could remind you of a murder who is just murdering for the fun, because he doesnt have feeling and emotions no ethics and morale doesnt know good from bad, and just thinks everything he can do is right. I am, when i get in this mood, really cold from emotions and feelings, the single thing that makes us apart from the animals, I lose it everytime I lose a battle in the war, right untill my friends help me retake ground i really hope that one day they will help me win this war by making peace with those demons.

and I am so glad you are here to help me, because one of you is enough to keep hundreds of those demons away^^
Finally I realize what you really meen to me, and that you really are my friends.

Thank you, thank you, thank you^^'

protect your soul- espacially from those demons from the past.
Sajro

Forlev^^

This week is going to be great, because I am going to see people I havnet seen for a long tim, but I am realy scared of going through the goodbye once more.

Protect your soul- remember thos closest hurt it the most, but is also the only one  who can heal it.
Sajro

Fuck my life!

Last night I had a weird dream, which was good, but tonight I had a nightmare, it was really weird but, a long tale short, i commited suicide to times, because i had been left by my friends, that is the worst that could ever happen to me, I dont want to lose any of my friends never, I have gone through that once with my best friend and I just cant handle to go through that again.

Protect your soul- it is so fragile.
Sajro

Weird!

Today I did something that isnt normal for me, I went to the doctor and he gave me some serious painkillers, because og my ekstremely sore body, so I'm feeling weirdo right now.

DAMMIT

I just hate it when my neck hurts so much, that I have to take painkillers because I'm against all kind of pills. BUt the best of having a sore neck is that I cant feel how sore my back is, so I'll just think of the positive things in this world.^^

Protect your soul- and body.
Sajro

I love internet games

I have been sitting in class playing a game that everyone else plays, but hey dont know I'm playing it, so everytime they got beaten they didnt know i was Trip to hell. XD

I'm happy^^

Today I had a really weird dream, it was about me travelling the world with some friends from my last school, and every time we left a town the population was killed by a strange disease, a first I was afraid of it but later I realized that they where the people that could pull me through anything, even things that would kill anyone else.

Protect your soul- and your friends.
Sajro

I hate it!

Today I'm having a hard time, I dont know why but when I was sitting in school I just started crying, but I dont know why, it might be because I'm going to see someone I havent seen in a long time and I know that i cant take the goodbye once again, this is going to happen at the scouting course "Forlev", I'm not sure i can take it.

Protect your soul- But dont overdo it.
Sajro

My goddamned body!

Gosh I just hates my body right now, my neck is locked because when sitting in school I'm looking at the same spot for 4,5 hours and I have to turn my head to look there, so it is hurting extremely right now. Then there is my back I have always had some trouble with it because I have grown too tall compared to my spine, so my muscles is trying to make up to that I have a spine that is a bit to short, they are sore as hell. Then my ancle that I hurt by tumbling down the stairs at my school, it is mildly sprained.

Protect your soul- and your body aswell.
Sajro

My life.

I am now going to tell about what we could call the story of my life.
At first I was born at the hospital in Tarm, and i lived my whole childhood in a little village nearby called Aadum. I started at Aadum school when I was 6 years old, the first couple of years was great, but then i started in 2nd grade and a boy in my class named Jannik started to bully me, it was no problem at first because I had my friend Thomas Aachmann to help and support me, Jannik continued to bully me for the next couple of years and he got the rest of the school to help him bully me, even Thomas, but Thomas knew when he should stop and even stopped other from bullying me, when I started in 4th grade the bullying had stopped, but then another boy started in my class, hes name was Rasmus, he then started the bullying again and of course he got help from the others. In the 5th grade my friend Thomas stopped at the school and moved to Grindsted, because hes father got a new job, this made my life a big black hole, I got no friends no one to support and help me, but i did not let that stop me. I kept on the school work and when i should start i 7th grade I was going to move school, I was happy because maybe that could give me a new start, but no I was still bullied in school, then I stopped showing feeling, I did not feel anything myself, I was so cold from emotions, this kept going on untill the end of 8th grade, when I started to cut myself, I just had to escape this world of pain to my soul and I did that with physical pain, no one actually knew this at the time being, I have to say that I have been sort of adicted to the pain. In 2010 did I start at BE a new school, I was not sure if this was going to be anything for me, but I gave it a try and I got some friends, but in the middle of the year I just popped the bubble of emotions that have been building up inside, and I took a down tour and started to cut myself again, I was stopped in this by some friends at the school, who have always been there when I needed them, when this school ended i cried untill I didn not have any more tears to cry, and I went home the night it all ended I cut my self again, but the next day i went to this party with some from the school and it was great, and the rest of the hollidays went on and I took a trip to soth jutland to visit a friend and party it was great and when I got hom I had to start packing for a scout camp in sweden the world scout jamboree, a giant camp for scouts, this was great but when I got home, I did it again, then I started at the HTX in Vejle, and I have not cut myself since except that one time when I felt no one cared about me, but now I'm back up and probally not going down soon.

Protect your soul- I did not manage to do it well, no one should experience that.
Sajro 

Free modules?

Man i Just hate having modules free at school, because then I'm just sitting in the class room, doing nothing of relevance.

Protect your soul- and dont get bored.
Sajro

Why is my mind so fucked?

I have just been sitting thinking of the time I had at my old school BE, it was the time of my life, and then i started thinking about all the friends I got there, people i dont want to lose ever, but then i thought about how it made me weaker and that i wouldent have so many ways to get hurt if they didnt exist, so why dont I just kill them, yes I had that though only for a second but I had it, and that is breaking my soul, I'm really hoping i would never do such a thing, but I'm really afraid right now, I'm feeling like a monster, a person with nothing good in it, an animal that only thinks of survival, but worst of all I feel like a betrayer of my friends.

Protect your soul- you are its worst enemy.
Sajro

weird day.^^

This is going to be a random post. Today i survived a heartattack, healed a broken arm in 10 minutes and slammed my head into a roadblock withput any complication. BTW i have been to a firstaid course as a helper today, I played the ones who where hurt.^^

Protect your soul- but think about your body aswell.
Sajro

Why the hell?

I'm thinking that nothing is as it should be, life is going kinda down me, I'm once again having problems and just want to escape this god damned life of mine, of course I do know that some people would get hurt, or atleast I kinda hope so, if i did escape for ever, having no way to return.
This was how i felt yesterday evening, untill I spoke with a friend of mine, and he proved that I have friends, who i capable of listening to me in a good way and who wants to help me, thank you Wenzel, you made everything better.^^

Protect your soul- otherwise get help.
Sajro

Emmotions and feelings, why do they exist?

I dont know why but this day has, just turned upside down, it started of so well and i really thought it would be one of those days, where I would be happy. It didnt go that way, i have went back to being what i used to be a person who have no control of his feelings, any of them, right now I'm experiencing both happines and sadness, anger and tolerance, I think you get the picture, but worst of all I am not quite sure if anybody really cares about me, or they are just pretending, I dont hope so, because i will found out someday and that will hurt my soul, if my soul is hurt by people i thought where my friends, i will make sure it is the last time my soul is ever hurt, not that I would do something stupid like suicide, but I would kinda kill my soul and burrow all my emotions and feeling, I would even take great distance to everyone I thought where my friends, that way I'm sure they will never hurt me.

Protect your soul- it is the essence of yourself.
Sajro

Free

Now i had a free module at school, but i did some homework. WTF

Protect your soul- Just do it.
Sajro

My day so far.

This day have been weird for me, I started the day with unpacking one of my bags, there I found a Mountain Dew, which ofcourse made my day looking good from there, then i went to school and i acyually felt like a whole new person, I started the class with making some preperations fo an english essay, even before I started my PC, then i began to write it and is actually pretty proud, with being done, now I'm just sitting and writing this because I have to wait a little before, going through it again.

Protect your soul- And it will protect you.
Sajro

I did it.

Finally i did it, and i am felling much better and this is one of my happier posts today.

Protect your soul- it is your only one.
Sajro

Why is earth more like hell than heaven?

Im feeling like the past few month since the end of my previous school have been a time, where not only have it become more stressing it has also been a trip very close to hell, but you know what i am hoping that no matter how this day ends, it will be better than it started, either i will have no sorrow because i will be happy, or i will have no sorrow because nothing matters anymore and everything can just go fuck itself in the bushes.

Protect your soul- and if you cant have someone close to help you.
Sajro

My god damned life.

Today I have had a hard time, I am having some problems with my sister that i live with, we are right know arguing about everything that comes to our minds, that is of course good because we wont have ii hidden away and building up anymore.
There is another problem, you see there is this person, i am actually a bit scared of writing this in fear of that she would read this, or am I maybe I want her to read it, but you know i have some serious feelings for her, but one problem she has a blog too, i just read a post from her, she posted it little over two weeks ago, and that made my soul scream in pain.

Protect your souls- or be haunted by them for ever.
Sajro

My first blog.

I have started this blog because i have a lot of things I need to get out in the open befores it eats my soul.

Protce your soul- or end up like me
Sajro