Yet a nother one!

This night it happened again I had a nightmare, this time it was one of the stories unfolding, and the story in this one was once again me as a murderer, but this time i murdered innocent people I dont know anything about, I killede the cold blooded, but my frinds tried to stop me and that was when it went all wrong, I killede the all but ripping their flesh of there bones with my hands and my mouth, it was horrible.

Protect your soul- if possibly, others too.
Sajro

Nightmares.

I just hate these nights when I have nightmares, they can be anything from a story unfolding, often me as a murderer and my friends as victims, to simple series of pictures, often featuring me or my friends bodies, or sometimes there are no pictures just memories flushing in to my mind. Nightmares are pushing me again, luckily I am afraid of pushing my friends away too afraid to use the knife.

Protect your soul- or die.
Sajro

Why!

Why is it that I can have a perfectly good day untill someone says that single word, it is not the same thing everytime, but just one single word, is enough to make my world crash down and destroy me, and makes the ghosts and demons from the past backstab me once again, pushing me closer to the knife that allways is laying right there at my bedside table, allways ready to be used when I wake up from a nightmare or just not feeling well!

Protect your soul- it is so delicate!
Sajro
 

Blood!

Blood the single thing keeping the body alive the thing that is sustaining us, and where do we get i from, I believe we get it from our friends and family, the people who cares about us, but sadly most people have som enemies who is draining you from blood.
Some is so damned they have more enemies than friends, and that makes it that they are slowly being emptied for blood, others, like me, have more friends than enemies but sadly I have that one enemie who is capable of draining almost all my blood and that enemy is me.
I'm just happy that I have so good friends who can help me through the toughest time, and sometimes I dont have to ask them, they just do it.

Protect your soul- and your blodd!
Sajro

Blood, bodies, screams and fear!

That is the only thing filling up my mind right know.

The blood that is pumping out of my body because, all the holes and wounds I have cut in myself.

The bodies, of my friends, i have left behind me, because I never helped them but the kept on helping me with everything they got, and it killed them, I killed them.

The screams raising from my throat when I'm trying to get there souls back to the bodies, but it doesnt help it is too late, nothing I can do except begging for mercy, but i dont deserve mercy after all I have done to them, or actually after all that I havent doen to them.
The blood once again, it have only one place to go to them trying to heal them with my blood, but why should the filthy blood, I have, be capable of healing even the smallest wound, because my blood is so filthy after all the bad things I have done, after all the good things I could have done but never did because I was scared.

The bodies is raising up again coming agaisnt me to haunt me, to push that last piece of sanity I have away to destroy my soul once and for all, but that is not what is happening they raise up, healed and ready, then they start turning there back agaisnt me and they are leaving, this is when I break my body apart to release my soul, make it leave me so I dont have that to think about, now I'm standing as an empty shell, once again alone and lost, lost in the darkness of my own sadness and selfhate.

The screams, they have stopped because I no longer have anything to scream about anymore, they are silenced because I no more have any idea why i should scream, I have been reduced to nothing but a shell, I'm no longer a human being, I'm a machine which can be programmed to do what ever you want it to do.

The fear, the only thing keeping me from the rope right now, the fear from hurting my friends, the fear that it wont get better, the fear that hell actually is real.

Protect your soul- or it will hurt you
Get rid of your soul- it will hurt you.
Sajro

Last week.

Hello, sorry for the long brake, if anyone actually reads this.

I have spend the last week at Forlev, and it was great, I was really afraid of the goodbye I had to say today, but it went very well, I had no problems with that, the only problems I had was that I did what I'm best at, hurting myself physically, luckily. All in all this have been a super week.

Protect your soul- But body aswell!
Sajro

Those tears!

Goddammit I was in a semi good mood, earlier because i was thinking of tommorow, but then out of nowhere I just got sad, extremely sad, but I have one major problem, I cant cry I just cant make those tears come out and take the pain with them, often these sad feelings just build up and pushes me closer and closer to the point where I have to escape from this world of senceless pain to my soul, I am a person who can withstand serious amount of physical pain, because I have been beaten when i was younger, about 13-14 years I believe I stood up to a couple of bullies who where bullieng another boy from a paralel class, but what came out of that he was bullied even more and I was beaten, and got my head smashed into a radiator, this was normal for me, that someone did something physically painfull to me, but that I could take, but when they started to go on and make it hit my feelings and emotions, it was too much at that time I was a boy who showed hes feeling when they got to me, but know i only show them if I am pushed to it. Goddammit I wish i could cry right now, because I dont want to go back the road of pain to escape, this goddamned world where the meanest often get away, I hate it so much.

I am that person who seems so happy to the people araound me who doesnt know me, but when you get to know me I slowly opens up, never fully, and lets you take a peek at the real me, a persone who is waging war against the demons from the past, the person who cant win that war alone, that person who really needs hes friends, that person who will lose that war without them and if I do I will never be the same again, I will be a person who at some points could remind you of a murder who is just murdering for the fun, because he doesnt have feeling and emotions no ethics and morale doesnt know good from bad, and just thinks everything he can do is right. I am, when i get in this mood, really cold from emotions and feelings, the single thing that makes us apart from the animals, I lose it everytime I lose a battle in the war, right untill my friends help me retake ground i really hope that one day they will help me win this war by making peace with those demons.

and I am so glad you are here to help me, because one of you is enough to keep hundreds of those demons away^^
Finally I realize what you really meen to me, and that you really are my friends.

Thank you, thank you, thank you^^'

protect your soul- espacially from those demons from the past.
Sajro

Forlev^^

This week is going to be great, because I am going to see people I havnet seen for a long tim, but I am realy scared of going through the goodbye once more.

Protect your soul- remember thos closest hurt it the most, but is also the only one  who can heal it.
Sajro

Fuck my life!

Last night I had a weird dream, which was good, but tonight I had a nightmare, it was really weird but, a long tale short, i commited suicide to times, because i had been left by my friends, that is the worst that could ever happen to me, I dont want to lose any of my friends never, I have gone through that once with my best friend and I just cant handle to go through that again.

Protect your soul- it is so fragile.
Sajro

Weird!

Today I did something that isnt normal for me, I went to the doctor and he gave me some serious painkillers, because og my ekstremely sore body, so I'm feeling weirdo right now.

DAMMIT

I just hate it when my neck hurts so much, that I have to take painkillers because I'm against all kind of pills. BUt the best of having a sore neck is that I cant feel how sore my back is, so I'll just think of the positive things in this world.^^

Protect your soul- and body.
Sajro

I love internet games

I have been sitting in class playing a game that everyone else plays, but hey dont know I'm playing it, so everytime they got beaten they didnt know i was Trip to hell. XD

I'm happy^^

Today I had a really weird dream, it was about me travelling the world with some friends from my last school, and every time we left a town the population was killed by a strange disease, a first I was afraid of it but later I realized that they where the people that could pull me through anything, even things that would kill anyone else.

Protect your soul- and your friends.
Sajro

I hate it!

Today I'm having a hard time, I dont know why but when I was sitting in school I just started crying, but I dont know why, it might be because I'm going to see someone I havent seen in a long time and I know that i cant take the goodbye once again, this is going to happen at the scouting course "Forlev", I'm not sure i can take it.

Protect your soul- But dont overdo it.
Sajro

My goddamned body!

Gosh I just hates my body right now, my neck is locked because when sitting in school I'm looking at the same spot for 4,5 hours and I have to turn my head to look there, so it is hurting extremely right now. Then there is my back I have always had some trouble with it because I have grown too tall compared to my spine, so my muscles is trying to make up to that I have a spine that is a bit to short, they are sore as hell. Then my ancle that I hurt by tumbling down the stairs at my school, it is mildly sprained.

Protect your soul- and your body aswell.
Sajro

My life.

I am now going to tell about what we could call the story of my life.
At first I was born at the hospital in Tarm, and i lived my whole childhood in a little village nearby called Aadum. I started at Aadum school when I was 6 years old, the first couple of years was great, but then i started in 2nd grade and a boy in my class named Jannik started to bully me, it was no problem at first because I had my friend Thomas Aachmann to help and support me, Jannik continued to bully me for the next couple of years and he got the rest of the school to help him bully me, even Thomas, but Thomas knew when he should stop and even stopped other from bullying me, when I started in 4th grade the bullying had stopped, but then another boy started in my class, hes name was Rasmus, he then started the bullying again and of course he got help from the others. In the 5th grade my friend Thomas stopped at the school and moved to Grindsted, because hes father got a new job, this made my life a big black hole, I got no friends no one to support and help me, but i did not let that stop me. I kept on the school work and when i should start i 7th grade I was going to move school, I was happy because maybe that could give me a new start, but no I was still bullied in school, then I stopped showing feeling, I did not feel anything myself, I was so cold from emotions, this kept going on untill the end of 8th grade, when I started to cut myself, I just had to escape this world of pain to my soul and I did that with physical pain, no one actually knew this at the time being, I have to say that I have been sort of adicted to the pain. In 2010 did I start at BE a new school, I was not sure if this was going to be anything for me, but I gave it a try and I got some friends, but in the middle of the year I just popped the bubble of emotions that have been building up inside, and I took a down tour and started to cut myself again, I was stopped in this by some friends at the school, who have always been there when I needed them, when this school ended i cried untill I didn not have any more tears to cry, and I went home the night it all ended I cut my self again, but the next day i went to this party with some from the school and it was great, and the rest of the hollidays went on and I took a trip to soth jutland to visit a friend and party it was great and when I got hom I had to start packing for a scout camp in sweden the world scout jamboree, a giant camp for scouts, this was great but when I got home, I did it again, then I started at the HTX in Vejle, and I have not cut myself since except that one time when I felt no one cared about me, but now I'm back up and probally not going down soon.

Protect your soul- I did not manage to do it well, no one should experience that.
Sajro 

Free modules?

Man i Just hate having modules free at school, because then I'm just sitting in the class room, doing nothing of relevance.

Protect your soul- and dont get bored.
Sajro

Why is my mind so fucked?

I have just been sitting thinking of the time I had at my old school BE, it was the time of my life, and then i started thinking about all the friends I got there, people i dont want to lose ever, but then i thought about how it made me weaker and that i wouldent have so many ways to get hurt if they didnt exist, so why dont I just kill them, yes I had that though only for a second but I had it, and that is breaking my soul, I'm really hoping i would never do such a thing, but I'm really afraid right now, I'm feeling like a monster, a person with nothing good in it, an animal that only thinks of survival, but worst of all I feel like a betrayer of my friends.

Protect your soul- you are its worst enemy.
Sajro

weird day.^^

This is going to be a random post. Today i survived a heartattack, healed a broken arm in 10 minutes and slammed my head into a roadblock withput any complication. BTW i have been to a firstaid course as a helper today, I played the ones who where hurt.^^

Protect your soul- but think about your body aswell.
Sajro

Why the hell?

I'm thinking that nothing is as it should be, life is going kinda down me, I'm once again having problems and just want to escape this god damned life of mine, of course I do know that some people would get hurt, or atleast I kinda hope so, if i did escape for ever, having no way to return.
This was how i felt yesterday evening, untill I spoke with a friend of mine, and he proved that I have friends, who i capable of listening to me in a good way and who wants to help me, thank you Wenzel, you made everything better.^^

Protect your soul- otherwise get help.
Sajro

Emmotions and feelings, why do they exist?

I dont know why but this day has, just turned upside down, it started of so well and i really thought it would be one of those days, where I would be happy. It didnt go that way, i have went back to being what i used to be a person who have no control of his feelings, any of them, right now I'm experiencing both happines and sadness, anger and tolerance, I think you get the picture, but worst of all I am not quite sure if anybody really cares about me, or they are just pretending, I dont hope so, because i will found out someday and that will hurt my soul, if my soul is hurt by people i thought where my friends, i will make sure it is the last time my soul is ever hurt, not that I would do something stupid like suicide, but I would kinda kill my soul and burrow all my emotions and feeling, I would even take great distance to everyone I thought where my friends, that way I'm sure they will never hurt me.

Protect your soul- it is the essence of yourself.
Sajro

Free

Now i had a free module at school, but i did some homework. WTF

Protect your soul- Just do it.
Sajro

My day so far.

This day have been weird for me, I started the day with unpacking one of my bags, there I found a Mountain Dew, which ofcourse made my day looking good from there, then i went to school and i acyually felt like a whole new person, I started the class with making some preperations fo an english essay, even before I started my PC, then i began to write it and is actually pretty proud, with being done, now I'm just sitting and writing this because I have to wait a little before, going through it again.

Protect your soul- And it will protect you.
Sajro

I did it.

Finally i did it, and i am felling much better and this is one of my happier posts today.

Protect your soul- it is your only one.
Sajro

Why is earth more like hell than heaven?

Im feeling like the past few month since the end of my previous school have been a time, where not only have it become more stressing it has also been a trip very close to hell, but you know what i am hoping that no matter how this day ends, it will be better than it started, either i will have no sorrow because i will be happy, or i will have no sorrow because nothing matters anymore and everything can just go fuck itself in the bushes.

Protect your soul- and if you cant have someone close to help you.
Sajro

My god damned life.

Today I have had a hard time, I am having some problems with my sister that i live with, we are right know arguing about everything that comes to our minds, that is of course good because we wont have ii hidden away and building up anymore.
There is another problem, you see there is this person, i am actually a bit scared of writing this in fear of that she would read this, or am I maybe I want her to read it, but you know i have some serious feelings for her, but one problem she has a blog too, i just read a post from her, she posted it little over two weeks ago, and that made my soul scream in pain.

Protect your souls- or be haunted by them for ever.
Sajro

My first blog.

I have started this blog because i have a lot of things I need to get out in the open befores it eats my soul.

Protce your soul- or end up like me
Sajro