Deserve this?

Do I really deserve what I am going through, do I really deserve to lose a part of myself every time someone says something to me. I am Pretty sure I do deserve it, because I am as I am, I am not a nice person most of the time I hurt people I am with and I sort of take everything they can give me, just to try keeping me from sinking, but doing so I am pushing them downwards.
Do I deserve to have friends like that, when I never have done something good for them? I am so confused about this, because I want to know the truth about what monster I am.

Protect your friends!
Sajro

Words!!!

Words is the single most powerful, that i a common thing that almost everyone has acces to. The words have th power to say alot, but they have aswell yhe power to say nothing. The words have the power to break every thing a person believes in, and make them believe in something else.
I have often heart this saying "sticks and stones can break my bones but awords can never hurt me", and every time I hear that one I really wants to yell at them, and I would wish I could show them how my mind is, so they could understand how false it is to say that. Words is the only thing I have been really hurt by, I was called things early in my life, and those things still hangs at me, and thay have been controlling me for some time now.
Words have more power on me, and that is why I hate when my friends say things that I get hurt by, I am pretty sure they doesnt do it to hurt me but with that person who did it I am not sure about it.

Choose your words carefully
Sajro

I hate myself!

I really hate myself, I cant sleep like a normal person because, I cant sleep without being in some sort of paim, each night I have to do something that puts me in pain because of this. I have for al long time been cutting myself to make this pain, and here the last night I was goning to sleep but I couldnt, I wouldnt cut my self but i needed the pain, so I bite myself I now have a wound on my arm because of my front teeth went through my skin!
This is one of the problems I have I really need that pain, and I do not want anyone to take that from me, I dont know how I should sleep at night without it so it is really important for me to have that pain.
Protect you soul and body- Even though I cant!
Sajro

Cant sleep!

I am laying in my bed right now and i cant fall asleep I really want to sleep, but I just cant! I do not know why I cant sleep, but one thing I do know is that it is making me think, and if there is one thing I hate it is when I start to think in this way. It is not like I am starting to think of some logical problems or anything, no it is that I am starting to think about how small I am, and that I aint worth more than a pile of dust under the carpet. I am really feeling like I aint worth anything, like every one hates me, and why shouldnt they hate me I have never done anything for them, but I have been taking there time to make them listen to my complaints. I am thinking about that knife on my table that beatifull knife allways laying there sharp and ready to cut, cut in me cut, making the blood flow and take all the problems with it when it starts dripping onto the floor, stain my bed with the drops. I want it so badly but at the sametime I dont because then my sister might find out how bad I am having it right now, and I just dont want to trouble her or anyone else with these problems I have. So if you are reading this and usually keeps pretending you care about me, just stop it I dont want anyone to pretend they care about me. I know how unworthy I am, to have friends. I know how I allways treat people bad, and how I always hurt people. I do not need you to pitty me and pretending to care so stop it, before I release those demons inside of me, those demons I ahve made. I know that everyone should hate me for being such a jerk.

Destroy your soul- just be a shell!
Sajro

I am sick!

Today I realized that I might not bee all right in the head. I have always been a little weird, and have had different hobbies and interests than other pwople at my own age. I have mostly allways been the boy in the corner sitting for himself without friends. I was the boy who didnt care about what clothes he wore because hell I am ugly anyways, which I by the way still thinks. I didnt care what people thought about me at that time, but I do now if those people are my friends, I really do care what the think about me. I was a loner, a social looser without friends.

For about three weeks ago I started on this Danish Forum, it is a roleplay forum, because I love Roleplaying and I needed something to do and a way to escape everything. I made this character there, his personality is a lot like myself, he is a bit afraid of people, he wont lose people he care about, and then there is the part where we is most like each other. Our way of seeing pain, we both like it and both are we a bit addicted to it, I cant sleep at night if i havent cut myself, tried to break a bone or other things that hurt. I really need these things otherwise I have problems trying to sleep. I was at this scouting center, Forlev, every night before i went to sleep i cut my arm, when noone was looking. I have that problem and I hate it, often when I cut myself I just do it to get that pain and satisfaction. I have also sometimes cut runes in my chest, because sometimes you just need something to give you strength somthing that can give you that last bit you need, that last will to live.

Protect your soul- It is way prettier that your body!
Sajro

Good Morning

As you might be able to tell from the title, this wasnt a good morning. I woke up bathed in sweat, because I once again had a nightmare. I was totallly ready to do that thing i do every time the nightmares and bad feelings get too much, so i did it. I cut myself. This makes me think of one of the things people often say when people telle that they cut them self, many just say it is to get attention and they are so right about that, because they need attention. They are human beings who as everybody else needs a friend to help them or at least someone who cares about them. I am not one of the persons who have it worst, I have friends who cares about me, but sometimes I wished i dint have them. You might think that he is sick in hes head or something, and that might be true, but friends are the people you allow to get close to your soul and when people get close it is a lot easier to get hurt because of them.

My nightmare this night was about me returning to my old school with everyone who went there for a reunion, I ofcourse went over to my friends and started talking to them but they ignored me. I stopped talking and just started listening to what they were saying, than they said to me that we should meet in the room we always used to hang out in and i said, that is was a good idea but i should get something first, and when i got bacj they were gone. I went to the room and they were not there but in the middle of the room on the table there was a piece of paper. On the top of this paper it said "agreement" and there was i tekst "I agree by putting my sign on this paper that I am no longer friends with (my name)" and the at the buttom of the paper they had all signed it.

I do know that they wouldnt do such a thing to me, but with some of all the other stuff I am going through right now it is stille pretty hard. My two best friends who had been dating for little over a year, broke up not long ago ofcourse that was a shock but no problem because they were still friends and then in this weekend something happened and they are not such good friends anymore, and me there I am trapped in the middle of it all because I cant choose and I do not want to choose between those two, they meen so much to me that if I choose I would feel bad about myself, especially after everything that they have done for me.

Then there is the last part, this i maybe the easiest part aswell. I know this girl and I am pretty damn sure she might read this blog, and that made me a bit afraid of actually writing this, but fuck it I am going to anyways. This girl is a really good friend og mine, but I have feelings for her and I am so afraid of ruining that friendship by trying to get a bit too close to her. I was at this reunion at my old school this weekend, and everybody got a little bit to drink and ofcourse I, unfortunately, started hitting on her. I hated myself for it, and i had to go outside away from her for a while and when I was outside I was thinking about this, later that night I was sitting with her and I once again tried hitting on her, but luckily she could turn me down in a good way: I was actually pretty glad for what she told me, because she likes me but just not in such a way, I dont know if it was just because she was drunk or if she ment it but atleast at the time I actually was really happy when she told me that there could not be anything between us because she saw me kinda like a brother.

Protect you soul- and stop hurting yourself.
Sajro .

Im sure of that!

Today I was sitting in class and I realized one thing, I dont know if it is important but I do think I need to get i out, that I havent felt anything for about 2 days straight now. My feeling and emotions are cold like a frozen dessert, just ice and snow in every direction. I would love to know what have done that to me but I really dont know why I have become like that. I really hate when I have it like this because it reminds me way too much about my time at Tarm school, the school where I was bullied so that I have become the person that I am, the person who only feels when it becomes to much for him, both physically and mentally. SOm people who have it easy with showing feeling might enwy me, but I enwy them just as much, because I do know what it is to be good at showing your feelings and emotions but I just cant do that anymore, the people who bullied me took i from me. All my emotions and feelings are locked up inside bubbles and sometimes these bubbled get to the point that they cant take it and they burst and I am over flooded with feelings.

Protect your soul- from the nothingness.
Sajro

All those nightmares.

The last few weeks the dreams I have had, have been one long dream they have been keeping on the same story. It is not always a serious nightmare sometimes it is just nothing really, but when it is a nightmare I usually wake up bathed i sweat and I'm not kidding. The dreams are about that I went to this foreign place probably not in this world, and I'm running around trying to make a life, but wherever I run these wolfes keep attacking me or my friends, and usually they kill them. When my friends die the only thing that happens is that these demons appear and takes over there body starting to tell me that everything is my fault, that I am the responsible for there death. I am so scared everytime I wake up that I cant sleep again, I am really scared and my sleeping habbit is so bad at the moment.

Protect your soul- Nightmares are a soul killer.
Sajro

Argh God damn me!

Yeah I am in a seriously baad mood today, I have been sitting in the class for about half an hour now and the only thoughts that have been in my head have been bad thoughts. The thoughts of suicide, murder, torture and massmurder, but it is not the thoughts that scares me, it is that the thoughts doesnt scare me. I am sitting in class right know when I'm writing this, and I cant stop seeing dead people when I look at my fellow students, I keep seeing them as bodies on their chairs, just sitting there with blood dripping down on the floor. This reminds me of a lot of nightmares I have had, because I have often had nightmares about it. I have once had this extremely scary nightmare, in it I was killing my old class the one that bullied me to thew point I am at right now, I walked into the room and saw all the dead people, I was scared because of it and then I looked down at myself and I was covered in blood, ther blood, and holding a knife.

Protect your soul- Nightmares is your own Phobias coming to life
Sajro