As you might be able to tell from the title, this wasnt a good morning. I woke up bathed in sweat, because I once again had a nightmare. I was totallly ready to do that thing i do every time the nightmares and bad feelings get too much, so i did it. I cut myself. This makes me think of one of the things people often say when people telle that they cut them self, many just say it is to get attention and they are so right about that, because they need attention. They are human beings who as everybody else needs a friend to help them or at least someone who cares about them. I am not one of the persons who have it worst, I have friends who cares about me, but sometimes I wished i dint have them. You might think that he is sick in hes head or something, and that might be true, but friends are the people you allow to get close to your soul and when people get close it is a lot easier to get hurt because of them.
My nightmare this night was about me returning to my old school with everyone who went there for a reunion, I ofcourse went over to my friends and started talking to them but they ignored me. I stopped talking and just started listening to what they were saying, than they said to me that we should meet in the room we always used to hang out in and i said, that is was a good idea but i should get something first, and when i got bacj they were gone. I went to the room and they were not there but in the middle of the room on the table there was a piece of paper. On the top of this paper it said "agreement" and there was i tekst "I agree by putting my sign on this paper that I am no longer friends with (my name)" and the at the buttom of the paper they had all signed it.
I do know that they wouldnt do such a thing to me, but with some of all the other stuff I am going through right now it is stille pretty hard. My two best friends who had been dating for little over a year, broke up not long ago ofcourse that was a shock but no problem because they were still friends and then in this weekend something happened and they are not such good friends anymore, and me there I am trapped in the middle of it all because I cant choose and I do not want to choose between those two, they meen so much to me that if I choose I would feel bad about myself, especially after everything that they have done for me.
Then there is the last part, this i maybe the easiest part aswell. I know this girl and I am pretty damn sure she might read this blog, and that made me a bit afraid of actually writing this, but fuck it I am going to anyways. This girl is a really good friend og mine, but I have feelings for her and I am so afraid of ruining that friendship by trying to get a bit too close to her. I was at this reunion at my old school this weekend, and everybody got a little bit to drink and ofcourse I, unfortunately, started hitting on her. I hated myself for it, and i had to go outside away from her for a while and when I was outside I was thinking about this, later that night I was sitting with her and I once again tried hitting on her, but luckily she could turn me down in a good way: I was actually pretty glad for what she told me, because she likes me but just not in such a way, I dont know if it was just because she was drunk or if she ment it but atleast at the time I actually was really happy when she told me that there could not be anything between us because she saw me kinda like a brother.
Protect you soul- and stop hurting yourself.
Sajro .
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