The friend...

I hate myself today, because of how I have been acting and treated a friend of mine. She is, right now, the dearest I care about.

She tries to help me ande make me feel better, but I just wont listen to her. I cant make myself listen to her. She can tell me I am a good person and a very good friend, but I just dont believe her.

I am, in my own head, a monster. I am a monster worse than serial killers and mass murderes. I often reach that point where not even my friends meen anything to me. I can sit and think about how I would like them to die, or at least just disappear, but often I realise that the only right thing would be if I died or disappeared and not them.

I am afraid that I am going to cut myself again... I have this feeling that I have done so much wrong today and yesterday, that I can only make it disappear by bleeding i t out... I am going to wait some time before sleeping so I might not do it...

Protect your friends... Form yourself.
Sajro

Today...

Today has just been one of those days...

... One of those days, where everything just goes plain wrong. Just to telle you this day in short, because I don't have the energy to write everything that have happen, and as it really happened.

1. I woke up, and my back and my neck was hurting like they wanted to explode.
2. I was up a bit too late, so I had to run to school, but on my way I ran tinto a lightpost...
3. I tripped up some stairs...
4. I stumbled down some stairs...
5. My legs started to hurt really bad...
6. I slipped on some ice...
7. My back and neck never stopped hurting...

I dont have anymore to say, to this...

... Than, fuck my life and please some one take my back...

Body, is a prison of pain...
Sajro

I am an addict...

Yes I feel like I am and addict, but not of some usual stuff, like alocohol, drugs or things like that. I am not addicted to that kind of things. Maybe it is going to sound a bit weird that I am an addict, to what it is I am an addict to.

I am an addict to texting, not just texting but texting with a special person. I normally dont go a single day without texting this person, so I do not realise it, but today I have not texted her, and because of that I am going through some sort of withdraw, and that might seem weird but I am actually doing I am feeling weird and stuff like that, my heart is racing on, and I really dont know what to do, just hoping she is going to answer me.

Your friends are dangerous...

Sajro

Why not?

Why shouldn't I make a post about how my day have been today?

So that I am going to do right know, I will tell you how my day have been today.

Lets start from the beggining. I woke up with my back hurting as usual so I didn't really care about it, but I did care about the dream I had this night. The dream was ectremely weird, and I have not yet been able to figure out what I should think about it.
In this dream I was in another dimension, and I was not allowed to leave before at had solved something, but I was allowed to get help from this dimension, so my friends came to help, but they all died of some weird things, but they kept coming and I kept seeing them die, with nothing to do about it.

Then I went to school, and had my classes as I was supposed to, but then in a break I was playing with a tape measure, and I pullede it out to fulle length and made it slip back, but then it cut my finger about 1 - 2 millimeter deep.

That have been the highlights of my day.

Please don't hurt your body.
Sajro

Happiness...

... It is true. To day I am actually very happy for once. I am happy and for that I can than a friend of mine. This friend texted with me about nothing, and a lot, some of the things we texted about was really just nothing at all, just smalltalk yo pass time and put the thoughts away. We did talk about some stuff that wasnt just small talk, because as you should have figured out I arent the happiest person in the world, and I do have my problems. I must say that at some points I am happy that I have been through these problems, because if I hadn't been through them, I might never have gone to the school I was at last year, and then I wouldnt have met my new friends including this girl I texted to lastnight.

I am in a good mood to day, as I told you before and I am just hoping it will last for the rest of the day. I get tired when I am in a bad mood, but I dont want to sleep, because when I lay in my bed at night I often start to feel alone, and I will be afraid of sleeping because if I am feeling really alone, my sleep often becomes uneasy and filled with nightmares. That isn't the only reason why I dont want to go to sleep, because when I am feeling alone the knife or razorblade I have often start to seem so comforting, understandable, easy, warm and calming.

But what I want to say is actually that I have had a good sleep this night because of that I never felt alone when I went to sleep, and I dint feel alone because my friend, this girl was texting with me untill I felt asleep. This was the best sleep I have had for a while.

Remember this, I learned this just by what happenede yesterday:
Lock the good times in a clear diamond box, so you can look back at them but they will never get out, and you will never lose them.

Protect your soul - and the good times.
Sajro

Yeah you know the drill...

... Or maybe you dont.

Yes you kind of now how this post is gonna be because this is not going to be some peace loving, oh I am so happy post. This post will still be me, and when it is me I am sorry to say it but, it just cant be happy posts.

I am not a happy personl. I once was a happy person, but some boys from my early school, quicly took that way and smashed it to the ground, and started to jump on it, together with the rest of my feelings.

I am a stupid person, even though I am smart, I act stupid and say stupid things to people. To prove it you could take a look at this girl I know, most of the time when I write something to this girl there is three options of what I am writing.
I might write something unrelevant, like good morning og good night.
I might write something because I need attention, and I feel sorry for my self.
And last I might write something where I call her stupid, clumbsy or other stuff lie that.

I am filled with hatred. A hatred to me, the people who have bullied me but also to the people who call them my friends. I hate my friends because they are way to good to me, and I dont feel like I deserve it because I hate myself as well.

I am a closed person, to most people. I have only opened to a few people, and non of them have I opened to completely. There is three people who I have really opened myself to, one is the girl I mentioned earlier in this post, another one is a boy from my school who helped me and last but definitely not least another girl who as well have helped me a lot.

I am a monster. I at least see my self as a monster, a monster leech who lives on my friends. Just to keep my self up from sinking to the bottom I have to use them, and by doing that I am pushing them downwards closer to that thing I am trying to escape.

But...

I do have a heart, and some times I would wish I did not. I have a lot of mixed up feelings every day. I wake up and I am totally neutral, but then I always sents a text to this one girl. When I have sent the text I am feeling differently, then I am in a better mood, but also in a worse mood. I am in a better mood because I have friends like her,but in a worse because we still are away from eachother.

And to end this post, I have a little poem I wrote.

I am walking down the stream.
The stream so fresh but warm.
I follow the stream to the source.
I walk out in the middle to spring.
I cant resist to taste it.
I love the taste, the taste of iron.
At this point I realize where I am.
I realize I am on my own arm.
I had walked from my palm up my arm.
I realize it isn't water, it is my own blood.
That is the last I realize before I let i come.
Before I let the  darkness come and subdue me.

I am still trying to keep my soul together.
Sajro

I have a question...

Yes I have a question and I would love to hear from people who is reading my blog. I want to hear respons from bot people I know outside blogger and people I dont know out side blogger.

Here comes the question:

Is it wrong of me, to sometime imagining and maybe even hoping for some of my friends to get hurt, or really close to getting hurt, just so it is possible for me to help them?

Maybe it is a simple question but I am really lost about it...

I love my friends, and afraid of losing them...
Sajro

Me and my friends, or is it enemies?

I hate my sleep, and I am sort of afraid of sleeping. I know it is weird to be afraid of it, but I usually have some bad dreams when I sleep, and that makes me often wake up in the middle of the night, not bathed in sweat as many people say they do. I usually wake up, and feel like a monster, because I usually do not feel a thing, just like no feelings at all. I realized some time back that the only reason I have these bad dreams and nightmares, is because I have friends, and that is why I am not sure they are friends.

I woke up this morning, or actually it was night, and I could not go back to sleep. I had a nightmare of me walking on some stairs upwards, and then I met this girl that have done so much for me, and she stopped me. She turned around and said to me that she could never see me again, and then I said no to it and that I didnt want her to leave my life, but she pushed me away and i fell down the stairs and she was smiling. When I stopped falling, I was laying on the floor and then this other girl walked by, this girl have helped me a lot too, and I was thinking that she would help me, but the only thing she did was talking, about that I should never let people so close, and I should never make people help me so much, because I am pushing them away. After saying that she walked away and I woke up.

I am losing myself, and my soul.
Sajro

Once again... I ask... WHY!!!

Once again I have to ask the question why, and this time it is, why, to a lot of things. I keep asking my self why do I even have friends when I cant do anything good for them, Instead I just keep dragging them down towards my level of life. It is not easy being me, but my life is easy compared to their life. I have them to rely on but the only thing the can rely on is that I am going to drag them down.

Then I am going to ask why is it the I am so hard to hurt, why is that even that person that boy I am seeing as my very best friend keeps hurting me, not like I am asking why he is doing it but more like why do I let him do it. I hate it, I really hat my life when that happens, everything else that have been happening is nothing compared to the pain when he manages to hurt me, and it is easy for him, because hw knows so many of my secrets and they hold the power to destroy me.

Then I would like to ask this. Why is that I have to have feelings for someone I know I can never get. Why cant i just remove those feelings. I really vant do it, and when I try I sometimes manage to lock thos feelings away, but then I see her face on a picture or I see her name, and those feelings come rushing in on me again, and they hurt me, I am really afraid that I have to cut all connection to her, even when I know how hard that is gonna be for me, but maybe I should just tell her that I cant be friends with her anymore because I am afraid she is going to crush me from my inside and out, not because I think she is trying to do so, but because what she brings up in me, is making me crush my self.

Listen to you feelings... And when they are done complaining... Destroy them.
Sajro

Why...

Why should I relive that gruesome nightmare. The nightmare of the day I lost my best friend, my best friend was a boy named Thomas, we had been friends for about 13 years. He had moved to a bigger city than I and therefor it was hard to keep in touch, one day i visited him for his fathers birthday and they told me he had been smoking and i though oh well no problem, and that I should go see him, I went to his room saw him and turned around the minute I saw him. Hes room had a scent of tobacco mostly but also vomit and other nasty stuff, but that was not the problem the problem was what he was doing.
At this time his parents and my parents had left the house to eat dinner so we were alone.
He was sitting there in his room with a god damned syringe, I dont know what was in it but judging from his eyes and face it wasnt his medicine, it was drugs, I have never been hurt so badly in my entire life than when I saw that.

Sajro

Deserve this?

Do I really deserve what I am going through, do I really deserve to lose a part of myself every time someone says something to me. I am Pretty sure I do deserve it, because I am as I am, I am not a nice person most of the time I hurt people I am with and I sort of take everything they can give me, just to try keeping me from sinking, but doing so I am pushing them downwards.
Do I deserve to have friends like that, when I never have done something good for them? I am so confused about this, because I want to know the truth about what monster I am.

Protect your friends!
Sajro

Words!!!

Words is the single most powerful, that i a common thing that almost everyone has acces to. The words have th power to say alot, but they have aswell yhe power to say nothing. The words have the power to break every thing a person believes in, and make them believe in something else.
I have often heart this saying "sticks and stones can break my bones but awords can never hurt me", and every time I hear that one I really wants to yell at them, and I would wish I could show them how my mind is, so they could understand how false it is to say that. Words is the only thing I have been really hurt by, I was called things early in my life, and those things still hangs at me, and thay have been controlling me for some time now.
Words have more power on me, and that is why I hate when my friends say things that I get hurt by, I am pretty sure they doesnt do it to hurt me but with that person who did it I am not sure about it.

Choose your words carefully
Sajro

I hate myself!

I really hate myself, I cant sleep like a normal person because, I cant sleep without being in some sort of paim, each night I have to do something that puts me in pain because of this. I have for al long time been cutting myself to make this pain, and here the last night I was goning to sleep but I couldnt, I wouldnt cut my self but i needed the pain, so I bite myself I now have a wound on my arm because of my front teeth went through my skin!
This is one of the problems I have I really need that pain, and I do not want anyone to take that from me, I dont know how I should sleep at night without it so it is really important for me to have that pain.
Protect you soul and body- Even though I cant!
Sajro

Cant sleep!

I am laying in my bed right now and i cant fall asleep I really want to sleep, but I just cant! I do not know why I cant sleep, but one thing I do know is that it is making me think, and if there is one thing I hate it is when I start to think in this way. It is not like I am starting to think of some logical problems or anything, no it is that I am starting to think about how small I am, and that I aint worth more than a pile of dust under the carpet. I am really feeling like I aint worth anything, like every one hates me, and why shouldnt they hate me I have never done anything for them, but I have been taking there time to make them listen to my complaints. I am thinking about that knife on my table that beatifull knife allways laying there sharp and ready to cut, cut in me cut, making the blood flow and take all the problems with it when it starts dripping onto the floor, stain my bed with the drops. I want it so badly but at the sametime I dont because then my sister might find out how bad I am having it right now, and I just dont want to trouble her or anyone else with these problems I have. So if you are reading this and usually keeps pretending you care about me, just stop it I dont want anyone to pretend they care about me. I know how unworthy I am, to have friends. I know how I allways treat people bad, and how I always hurt people. I do not need you to pitty me and pretending to care so stop it, before I release those demons inside of me, those demons I ahve made. I know that everyone should hate me for being such a jerk.

Destroy your soul- just be a shell!
Sajro

I am sick!

Today I realized that I might not bee all right in the head. I have always been a little weird, and have had different hobbies and interests than other pwople at my own age. I have mostly allways been the boy in the corner sitting for himself without friends. I was the boy who didnt care about what clothes he wore because hell I am ugly anyways, which I by the way still thinks. I didnt care what people thought about me at that time, but I do now if those people are my friends, I really do care what the think about me. I was a loner, a social looser without friends.

For about three weeks ago I started on this Danish Forum, it is a roleplay forum, because I love Roleplaying and I needed something to do and a way to escape everything. I made this character there, his personality is a lot like myself, he is a bit afraid of people, he wont lose people he care about, and then there is the part where we is most like each other. Our way of seeing pain, we both like it and both are we a bit addicted to it, I cant sleep at night if i havent cut myself, tried to break a bone or other things that hurt. I really need these things otherwise I have problems trying to sleep. I was at this scouting center, Forlev, every night before i went to sleep i cut my arm, when noone was looking. I have that problem and I hate it, often when I cut myself I just do it to get that pain and satisfaction. I have also sometimes cut runes in my chest, because sometimes you just need something to give you strength somthing that can give you that last bit you need, that last will to live.

Protect your soul- It is way prettier that your body!
Sajro

Good Morning

As you might be able to tell from the title, this wasnt a good morning. I woke up bathed in sweat, because I once again had a nightmare. I was totallly ready to do that thing i do every time the nightmares and bad feelings get too much, so i did it. I cut myself. This makes me think of one of the things people often say when people telle that they cut them self, many just say it is to get attention and they are so right about that, because they need attention. They are human beings who as everybody else needs a friend to help them or at least someone who cares about them. I am not one of the persons who have it worst, I have friends who cares about me, but sometimes I wished i dint have them. You might think that he is sick in hes head or something, and that might be true, but friends are the people you allow to get close to your soul and when people get close it is a lot easier to get hurt because of them.

My nightmare this night was about me returning to my old school with everyone who went there for a reunion, I ofcourse went over to my friends and started talking to them but they ignored me. I stopped talking and just started listening to what they were saying, than they said to me that we should meet in the room we always used to hang out in and i said, that is was a good idea but i should get something first, and when i got bacj they were gone. I went to the room and they were not there but in the middle of the room on the table there was a piece of paper. On the top of this paper it said "agreement" and there was i tekst "I agree by putting my sign on this paper that I am no longer friends with (my name)" and the at the buttom of the paper they had all signed it.

I do know that they wouldnt do such a thing to me, but with some of all the other stuff I am going through right now it is stille pretty hard. My two best friends who had been dating for little over a year, broke up not long ago ofcourse that was a shock but no problem because they were still friends and then in this weekend something happened and they are not such good friends anymore, and me there I am trapped in the middle of it all because I cant choose and I do not want to choose between those two, they meen so much to me that if I choose I would feel bad about myself, especially after everything that they have done for me.

Then there is the last part, this i maybe the easiest part aswell. I know this girl and I am pretty damn sure she might read this blog, and that made me a bit afraid of actually writing this, but fuck it I am going to anyways. This girl is a really good friend og mine, but I have feelings for her and I am so afraid of ruining that friendship by trying to get a bit too close to her. I was at this reunion at my old school this weekend, and everybody got a little bit to drink and ofcourse I, unfortunately, started hitting on her. I hated myself for it, and i had to go outside away from her for a while and when I was outside I was thinking about this, later that night I was sitting with her and I once again tried hitting on her, but luckily she could turn me down in a good way: I was actually pretty glad for what she told me, because she likes me but just not in such a way, I dont know if it was just because she was drunk or if she ment it but atleast at the time I actually was really happy when she told me that there could not be anything between us because she saw me kinda like a brother.

Protect you soul- and stop hurting yourself.
Sajro .

Im sure of that!

Today I was sitting in class and I realized one thing, I dont know if it is important but I do think I need to get i out, that I havent felt anything for about 2 days straight now. My feeling and emotions are cold like a frozen dessert, just ice and snow in every direction. I would love to know what have done that to me but I really dont know why I have become like that. I really hate when I have it like this because it reminds me way too much about my time at Tarm school, the school where I was bullied so that I have become the person that I am, the person who only feels when it becomes to much for him, both physically and mentally. SOm people who have it easy with showing feeling might enwy me, but I enwy them just as much, because I do know what it is to be good at showing your feelings and emotions but I just cant do that anymore, the people who bullied me took i from me. All my emotions and feelings are locked up inside bubbles and sometimes these bubbled get to the point that they cant take it and they burst and I am over flooded with feelings.

Protect your soul- from the nothingness.
Sajro

All those nightmares.

The last few weeks the dreams I have had, have been one long dream they have been keeping on the same story. It is not always a serious nightmare sometimes it is just nothing really, but when it is a nightmare I usually wake up bathed i sweat and I'm not kidding. The dreams are about that I went to this foreign place probably not in this world, and I'm running around trying to make a life, but wherever I run these wolfes keep attacking me or my friends, and usually they kill them. When my friends die the only thing that happens is that these demons appear and takes over there body starting to tell me that everything is my fault, that I am the responsible for there death. I am so scared everytime I wake up that I cant sleep again, I am really scared and my sleeping habbit is so bad at the moment.

Protect your soul- Nightmares are a soul killer.
Sajro

Argh God damn me!

Yeah I am in a seriously baad mood today, I have been sitting in the class for about half an hour now and the only thoughts that have been in my head have been bad thoughts. The thoughts of suicide, murder, torture and massmurder, but it is not the thoughts that scares me, it is that the thoughts doesnt scare me. I am sitting in class right know when I'm writing this, and I cant stop seeing dead people when I look at my fellow students, I keep seeing them as bodies on their chairs, just sitting there with blood dripping down on the floor. This reminds me of a lot of nightmares I have had, because I have often had nightmares about it. I have once had this extremely scary nightmare, in it I was killing my old class the one that bullied me to thew point I am at right now, I walked into the room and saw all the dead people, I was scared because of it and then I looked down at myself and I was covered in blood, ther blood, and holding a knife.

Protect your soul- Nightmares is your own Phobias coming to life
Sajro

Yet a nother one!

This night it happened again I had a nightmare, this time it was one of the stories unfolding, and the story in this one was once again me as a murderer, but this time i murdered innocent people I dont know anything about, I killede the cold blooded, but my frinds tried to stop me and that was when it went all wrong, I killede the all but ripping their flesh of there bones with my hands and my mouth, it was horrible.

Protect your soul- if possibly, others too.
Sajro